Things a CAT Should Always Remember

Things a CAT Should Always Remember:

  • I will not hide behind the toilet so that I can pat the human on the backside when he sits down just to make him levitate.
  • I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my ʺkill.ʺ
  • If I sit in the sink while my human is brushing his teeth, I will not get angry when he spits toothpaste on me.
  • I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.
  • I will not knead my male humanʹs groin at 3 AM with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.
  • I will not attempt to stop the humanʹs snoring by sticking my paws into his mouth.
  • I will not use my psychic powers to project myself into my humanʹs dreams when I am hungry, causing her to dream that I am a talking cat, and I can say ʺWhereʹs my supper!ʺ
  • I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth when my humanʹs grandmother is visiting.
  • I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
  • When my young humans are playing with modeling clay, I will not remove solid waste from my litter tray and roll it onto the kitchen floor.
  • When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
  • I will not display my worm collection on the kitchen floor on a rainy night. My human does not like finding it with her bare feet.
  • I will not swat my humanʹs head repeatedly when she is on the floor trying to do sit ups.
  • I will not give the vet a urine or stool sample unless he requests it.
    And finally…
  • I will remember that any critter that lives in the house, like hamsters, stays in the house; and any critters that live outside, like frogs and worms, stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

Things A CAT Should Always Remeber

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