Kitty New Year’s Resolutions Part I
- I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.
- I also will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
- Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters) stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.
- I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren’t laughing so hard.
- I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.
- The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.
- I will not put a live mouse in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
- I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
- I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.
- I will learn to relax at the vet’s office so they will start writing things in my records like “Good Kitty” and “Sweet Kitty” instead of the stuff that’s there now like “MEAN!!”, “BITER!!!”, and “GET HELP!!!!!”
- I promise I will meditate more closely upon the causal relationship between going dumpster diving on Sunday afternoon and projectile vomiting Monday, and being brought to the Evil Place Where They Stick Things Up My Butt on Tuesday evening. I realize that if I hadn’t done the first, none of the other things would have happened.
- I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.
- I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.
- If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
- If I must give a present to my human’s overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn’t as tasty.
- I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunchies when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.
- After my (female) human has enjoyed the company of a larger, but equally gorgeous, hairy animal, I will not leap onto the bed, smell where he’s been, and then jealously pee there to eradicate his traces.
- A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.
- After my human washes and polishes the kitchen floor is not the time to go running by as it will cause the refrigerator to run into me, I will have to look indignant, and chastize it for ill behavior.
- I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important mzxlsot9035 emio gnaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.
Kitty New Year’s Resolutions Part II
- My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
- I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
- I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage.
- I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
- I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
- We will not play “Herd of Thundering Wildebeests stampeding across the Plains of the Serengeti” over any humans’ bed while they’re trying to sleep.
- I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt.
- I will not get up and do the same thing again.
- I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
- I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human shaves me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
- If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
- When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.
- I will not play “dead cat on the stairs” while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
- When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
- I will not swat my human’s head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
- When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are not a hammock.
- Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
- I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.